A Frontier Whiskey Man’s Guide to Environmental Conservation

by Justin D'Olier on February 8, 2012 | Comments Off on A Frontier Whiskey Man’s Guide to Environmental Conservation |

You don’t need me to tell you the best thing to do with a bottle of Bulleit Bourbon. (Hint: It starts with D and rhymes with “rink it”).

But, after you’ve consumed the bottle of glorious frontier whiskey – yes, it’s called frontier whiskey and yes, it’s ok if that makes you semi-erect thinking about how rugged you are for drinking whiskey made for the frontier – what do you do with the bottle?

Bulleit Bourbon Bottle

If that doesn't scream dirty, regrettable sex, I don't know what does.

Throw it away? Heavens, no. It’s too cool. Too slick. Too effortlessly curved and roguish. It’s a bottle designed to be seen. If you tried to throw away a bottle of frontier whiskey, the bottle would climb out of the trash can and smack you in the face. Don’t you dare disrespect frontier whiskey like that!

The bottle is too large to fit on a chain around your neck, which is a shame consider how much action you would get by rolling up at the club sporting a bottle of frontier whiskey on a gold chain.

“Hey, there sexy. Is that a bottle of frontier whiskey around your neck?”

“Uh huh.”

“Hot. Let’s go have dirty, regrettable sex.”

Similarly, people at work seem to frown upon leaving bottles of hard liquor strewn around your desk. HR does not appreciate a frontier whiskey man.

So what is a frontier whiskey man to do?

Fill the bottle with olive oil.

When people come to your house expecting another ho-hum night of spaghetti, parchesi, and blindfolded orgiastic lovemaking, imagine their surprise when they reach for a drizzle of olive oil, only to be staring directly into the eyes of a bad ass bottle of frontier whiskey. They’ll instantly know you’re a man of class and stature. A rugged outdoorsman who speaks his mind and isn’t afraid to put someone in thier place. They’ll assume you juggle chainsaws, can spit fire, and effortlessly divide by zero (with your special infinity suit, of course). The conversation will probably unfold like this…

“Can you pass me the EVOO?”

“What the fuck did you just say?”

“Sorry. I forgot that only asshats say EVOO. Can you pass me the olive oil?”

“No problem. Here you go.”

“Woah. Is that olive oil inside a bottle of frontier whiskey?”

“Uh huh.”

“Hot. Let’s go have dirty, regrettable sex.”

So, the next time you finish wrestling grizzly bears and polishing off a jug of Bulleit Bourbon, make sure to save the bottle. Dirty, regrettable sex is sure to follow.

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